Where do you even begin when you attempt to share your own mental health journey? When you live in something it feels so huge, so big, so consuming and insurmountable. How can something so big be shared in words on a screen?
I can’t possibly describe to the world the feeling of emptiness that seeps into my bones and my every cell. The feeling of hopelessness that devours all of the joy and the love. How can it be expressed in words an emotion that embodies nothingness? No purpose, no reason to be, no will to live.
I have always been an empath. Since I was little I had an extraordinary ability, at least in my own memory, of being able to gauge the emotions of those around me. I could feel what they were feeling. I could feel the energy in a room. And sometimes I even felt I could feel what others were feeling when they weren’t even with me.
I have also always been a helper. I like helping others. Especially if I know I can.
I was also a perfectionist. I say was, but like everything, it’s a journey. I like to do things “right”. And I like to do things really really well.
Being an empath, a helper, and a perfectionist with little to no life experience and therefore perspective my feelings of anxiety and overwhelm started young. My first panic attacks and experience with depression came when I was still a teenager. Still being young and knowing (and not knowing) what I did, I dealt with my sadness and anxiety (as an unhelpful therapist came to tell me later in life) with “maladaptive coping mechanisms”. (FYI: I have worked with amazing therapists, but not all are. Find the right fit for you!).
Along with my own unhealthy coping mechanisms I started taking anti-depressants. Since then I have been on-again and off-again various anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications along with trying various more natural remedies, different diets, etc. all in an attempt to “control” how I felt. In recent years my coping mechanisms have become much healthier. They include humour, conversation and connection and it wasn’t until I began to accept a level of surrendering to the fact that this is a part of who I am and not trying to control it or minimize the sadness did these methods maybe become part of the solution.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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2019 was such a positive growth year for me that when 2020 happened, the spiral into full blown depression again felt like a further fall. 2020 wasn't easy for me. Like many, my emotions, perspectives and health, ebbed and flowed. And between March and June I was in the weeds so to speak. It was dark. My family doctor was calling me daily (who knew that still happened in today's world?) and the medications I have taken almost all of my adult life weren't doing the trick anymore.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I had been there before. In all likelihood I will be there again. But I learn more about myself every time and somehow when my rock bottom falls out and moves impossibly lower my ability to access my intuition, relate, practice gratitude, and feel joy, rebound higher. And as the world continues to evolve and become more open and accepting around mental health I continue to see my own mental health as a gift.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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If we all continue to break the silence and lead with open arms perhaps others who suffer will start to see the gifts as well.⠀I also hope that by my sisters and I sharing our stories and we will continue to share more and more that it will inspire others to do the same.
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